Enough
by Bean12
Summary: Luke thinks he wants Grace to open up. What if he actually convinced her to let down that wall?
1. Persistence

A/N: As a long time fan-fiction reader, this is the first of my many attempts I deem worthy of posting. Takes place the day after Judith's party, I assume it's now Sunday. No beta, so all the mistakes are mine.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Just had to take them around the block

---

would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in

don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again

I don't want to run away from this

I know that I just don't need this

--- _Somewhere in Between_ - Lifehouse

---

Chapter1: Persistence

"She's screening her calls. She hasn't answered her phone all day." Luke sighed and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. He pointed the antenna end of the phone toward his bother and slumped dejectedly back against the kitchen sink.

"So go talk to her, she can't avoid you in person." His eldest sibling replied without looking up from the notes and pictures strewn across the kitchen table.

"Have you forgotten, I'm grounded."

Kevin looked up and squired a smile at his brother as he ticked off reasons being grounded didn't mater:

"Dad, left early this morning to go back into work.

Mom's got some meeting with some member of some church.

Joan's not even here. She grounded too but she left right after mom."

"Where'd Joan go?"

"To go see that girl in the hospital I think. But that's not the point, the point is that no one's here to tell you you're grounded, so go see Grace and stop wining to me about it."

"But how can Joan be at the hospital, she's grounded?"

Kevin blew an exacerbated breath through pursed lips and threw his pencil across the kitchen at Luke. It landed true to aim square in his chest.

"Go get her Romeo, don't take no for an answer."

Luke nodded, in contemplative silence and started to leave through the back door. Kevin was right, he need to talk to Grace, face to face, make sure she had nothing to distract her and just lay everything out on the table. He could no that, he had to do that because this covert confidentiality crap was starting to grate on his nerves.

He was halfway through the back door when the voice of his mother stopped him in his tracks.

"Where do you think you're going mister? You're grounded remember?" A smile pulled at Helen's lips as he turned around guilt stricken. "And for the first time in at least three years as far as I can recall" she added cheekily, setting grocery bags down on the island.

"You don't understand, mom. She's not answering my calls, she's not online, I've got to talk to her."

Luke absentmindedly began to help put the groceries away; he never did well staying in one spot when he was nervous or excited. As his mother unloaded the bags, he put the canned goods and boxes that go on the highest shelves away. There was a fluidity to their interaction that spoke to how he often assisted her while rambling about something going in his life. She remembered a time not so long ago when Kevin was the one retrieving the sugar from the top self of the panty while Luke waited patiently for his morning pancakes, sitting at the kitchen table still in his pajamas.

Helen came back to the present with her son's blue eyes pleading to be granted just this one reprieve.

"...so, can I go talk to her, please mom. It's vital to my sanity that I ..."

"Girls are going to have you questioning your sanity for the rest of your life Luke. You'll see Grace tomorrow at school."

"That is so unfair! Joan's grounded too and she gets to spend all day out of the house, yet you keep me holed up here under what other pretense?" He set his arms across his chest, knowing his mother had no reasonable explanation for the blatant double standard.

"Joan is at the hospital with Judith, who has no one else to stay with her. While Grace ...

Luke instantly saw red. _ How dare she start comparing Grace to Judith, _

"JUDITH is the one that got us all into this mess in the first place with her stupid party. Grace had nothing to do with any of this and in all actuality mom, if Grace hadn't been there last night Joan would be visiting Judith in the morgue rather than the hospital. How can you do this to me? I know Grace doesn't come across as...

Helen held up an open palmed hand in front of Luke's face stopping him mid sentence. She smiled knowingly and opened a Tupperware container of cookies, tilting the container as a peace offering to her tormented son. He took three and went to the refrigerator for milk as Helen got glasses.

"Look honey, I like Grace I really do. And I'm not doing this _to_ you but rather f_or_ you and for Grace. What I was going to say, before you interrupted me, is that while Judith is confused and alone, Grace is neither. Grace has closed her self off very deliberately for reasons she may or may not understand yet. If you go running over there making demands, she's likely to shut you out completely. All I'm suggesting is that you take some time to really think about you need to say to her and how to do it with kindness rather than as a defense mechanism"

"She's got these rules mom, they're insane and Kevin says I need to stand up to her, that she wouldn't be in this if she didn't care"

"Kevin. Didn't have a very good track record when it came to girls in high school."

Luke let out a short laugh that his mother echoed.

"Just remember that if you back her into a corner, Grace is the kind of girl who's going to come out swinging."

Sometimes it amazed him that no matter how little they spoke, his mother seemed to not only know what was going on in his life, but understand it better than he did himself. Luke nodded, kissed her on the top of the head as he reached around her and grabbed two more cookies out of the container.

"Thanks mom" He bit into a cookie and headed up stairs.

---

Grace,

I'm going to attempt to write this without using the big words and scientific analogies that I know annoy you to no end. Which is difficult because when I'm nervous I spout random facts, as I'm sure you've noticed. This confidentiality agreement Grace, I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm living this other secret life. Which in itself may have been cool under different circumstances. But not like this, not with you. This sneaking around, you deserve better than that and so do I. Cognitively I understand your motivations behind making me sign that contract, but the duality it's producing in our relationship is causing me to question my sanity.

I know you're scared. And before you go getting all pissed off. I'm glad you're scared, I am too, it means that what ever this is going on between us, matters, that it's real. I'm scared of everything, of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and having you push me even further away. I measure your reaction to everything I do, just trying to develop a template of what's allowable and what's not. I don't want you to shut me out for getting too close, I don't want to stand of so far that I let you slip through my feeble grasp. It's a fine balance that I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up.

I know you care about me. I can see it in the way you look up at me from a just broken kiss. I can feel it in the way you tremble when I first pull you toward me in once we reached a clandestine spot. But then at school, at home, anywhere I find you, you never look at me, you hardly speak to me. I'm beginning to wonder if it's all in my imagination. I feel your heart really race in time with mine when I hold you, or do I really, am I some how just projecting the way I feel back at you, hoping against logic that you feel the flutters in your chest when I look at you, the way I feel them when you look at me. If you don't feel these things when we're together, then I am truly sorry Grace. You deserve someone who can make your heart stop and simultaneously give it a reason to keep beating.

I hate that I signed an agreement forbidding me asking these questions or telling you what a beautiful person you are, inside and out, Grace you are so very beautiful. I don't know why you try so desperately to hide that light that you just naturally radiate. I am not going to try to understand why you use this shield of leather and cynicism. My hope is that soon you will trust me enough to step out from behind all that. I know your past hasn't always been pretty , I don't know how. I'm just asking that you not judge me by how others have hurt you.

It's ironic in a sad way. You probably felt safe with me. Never imagining I'd ever climb the walls of logic to delve into such emotionally charged subject matter. I certainly never planned on writing a letter like this. Once I started it just flowed. So it must be what's really on my mind. I doubt that you've even read this far ... only I think maybe you have, I think maybe you do feel about me the way that I do about you.

That contract, Grace it was never about keeping everyone else out of our business. You never have cared what anyone else thinks, neither have I. It was about keeping close and careful control of your heart. I can't continue in the confines of our original agreement. It was about trying to prevent the inevitable. What it boils down to is this, I may not be in love with you yet, but I'm falling faster than I ever thought possible.

Luke

He smiled, his first real smile since he signed that damn contract. An immense weight had been lifted from his shoulders. As he clicked the 'SEND' button and watched the letter disappear into cyber-obscurity making it's way to Grace's email box a new tension settled in his stomach.

If nothing else, first period physics is sure going to be interesting tomorrow.

---

TBC – if you think I should. Let me know.


	2. Promises Broken

A/N: Wow, thanks to those who reviewed. I do appreciate it. This chapter may be OOC, I wanted it to end a certain way. Hopefully Grace stays true to form, even if she'd never do any this on the show. No beta, so all the mistakes are mine.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Just had to take them around the block

---

can you feel  
could you love  
are you further now from where you started  
I bet you do enough just to get by  
don't you

--- _Briefly_ -Better Than Ezra

---

Chapter 2: Promises Broken

"Visiting hours were over 15 minutes go miss, you're going to have to let the patient get some rest now"

"Yeah, ok." Joan turned her attention from the nurse who had just stuck her head in the door back to Judith.

"Your parents are coming home tonight, so they should be here in the morning. I'll bring your assignments tomorrow after school."

Judith replied with the soft sound, neither a sigh nor a snore, of those in a semi conscious state, drifting off to sleep. Joan snuck out of the room after dimming the light; with her next stop already occupying her thoughts.

---

The walk from the bus stop was a short one and the cool autumn air blew against Joan's face as she made her way down the wide sidewalk past uniformly manicured lawns. Moonlight reflected on a familiar pair of black-rimmed glasses, bouncing rhythmically up and down further down the block on the same stretch of concrete. As she neared, Joan realized God, a little girl with brown curly hair, was playing hosp-scotch in front of the Polanski's walkway.

"Shouldn't you be inside once the streetlights come on?"

The little girl stopped, pushed her glasses up her nose and tilted her head toward the house.

"She needs to tell her story, you need to convince her it's ok to do so."

Joan pointed the house, confused "who, Grace?"

"She needs to tell her story, Joan. But not to you" The little girl turned, walking away she threw the signature backward wave over her shoulder.

---

Grace Polk nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of the doorbell. How dare he show up here, after sending her that sticky sweet sap fest confessional of a letter. Never mind that she had already committed it to memory in its entirety. He should know better than to force his hand like this. What did he expect her to do, forget everything, swoon into his arms and let him carry her off into the sunset?! Yea, like that'll happen.

She started her rant as soon as her hand met the doorknob. There was no way he was making it across the threshold tonight. She definitely needed more time come up with a plan; originally the plan had been avoidance, clearly that wasn't going to work.

"You have some nerve showing up her after what...

Joan didn't let her finish the sentence. She had expected Grace to be upset, but not really mad. Holding her palms out in a defensive gesture, Joan started the speech she had practiced all the way over here from the hospital.

"Look Grace, I know you're mad. And I'm truly sorry; it's just that I really need to talk to you, if you would just hear me out for...

Grace felt her heart sink in what she refused to even recognize as disappointment. So what if it's not rocket boy, but his sister instead. The fluttery adrenaline rush she'd been working on was fading fast. Damn him for doing this to her. This was definitely not part of the plan, getting all worked up over some guy. She'd have to steal herself better before school tomorrow or everything would go to hell. How dare he not show up after sending her that letter. That's it, she thought, I'm definitely loosing it. This must be how Joan felt last summer.

Joan.

Joan was still standing on her doorstep, talking, waving her hands around. Grace had no idea what she had said after 'look, Grace'

"Girardi! Is this going to be one of those long winded, estrogen educed bonding rituals that's going to take all night?"

"No, no ... not at all."

Grace raised one eyebrow at her

"Maybe."

"Probably, yeah."

Grace stepped away from the doorway and with a grand gesture allowed the door to swing wide. "Well then, come on, let's get this over with."

Joan followed her into the kitchen, stunned. She had expected a conversation at the doorway, maybe if she was lucky she could get Grace to sit on the front step and talk to her, in the house had never even crossed her mind.

Joan took a seat on one of two bar stools as Grace ducked her head into the freezer. She slid a pint of mint chip across the counter at Joan, extracting another pint of what Joan thought was Cherry Garcia for herself. Kicking the door shut, Grace rummaged for spoons. "Can't bond without ice-cream. Or so I've heard anyway."

For the second time in less than five minutes Joan was amazed. Holding the ice cream container out so Grace could read it she asked, "mint chip Grace, how do you even know mint chip is my favorite".

Looking down into her own container, mixing the contents with no real enthusiasm, Grace shrugged. "We're friends. I'm observant."

"And you just happen to have it around the house."

"Is there a point to this little visit or did you just want to take inventory of the frozen foods"

Joan smiled and pried the lid off her pint. It was things like this that made her love Grace all the more. Sure she came off as indifferent or even uncaring, but underneath she was just a really good person.

"Judith is going to be OK. I came from the hospital; they're going to let her go home Tuesday morning. You saved her life last night, Grace, Thank You. It's like you were the only one there who even noticed something was really wrong."

"Yeah, I'm hyper-vigilant that way."

"Your what?"

"Nothing, what were you saying about Judith?"

"I know you don't really like her. But try to understand, she was there for me when no one else could be and I thought I was crazy. She'd sit with me at the stupid camp and just listen to me cry. She needs me now, I have to be there for her. She doesn't have anyone else."

"What did they do to you at that camp, Joan? It's like you came back a different person "

Joan snickered around a mouthful of ice cream. "Funny you should say that, Adam said the same thing to me just this afternoon. I guess I just wasn't clear on who I was, or who I am or whatever. But I think I've got things back in perspective. Everything should be back to normal soon. Whatever normal ever really was with us anyway. What about you?"

"What about me?"

"I come back from the coo-coo's nest and there's some mystery guy making you go all soft around the edges. Climbing through my window just to grill me about Adam and then taking off just like that? What's goin' on Grace?"

"There's nothing going on Girardi. Stay out of it."

Grace turned her back to Joan. Under the pretence of putting her ice cream back in the freezer she stayed with the artic air blowing against her cheeks, hoping to cool her blush before having to face her friend. Shutting the door Grace was started by Joan standing on the other side of the door holding out her ice cream container to be returned to the freezer.

"It's Luke isn't it?"

"That is by far the lamest thing you have ever said to me." Grace gave up on her protest. Just by the look on Joan's face she knew, she knew. He was so going to get it. What was he thinking, sending her that letter and then sending his sister, her friend, to test the waters after the storm. Who does that? Now Grace was getting mad. Mad was a familiar emotion, one she could deal with and process through. None of this love and hope and cheery crap, anger, anger was good.

"Did you stand over his shoulder while he wrote the damn thing too? Probably told him what to say?"

Joan was confused, satisfied with herself that she finally had the upper hand on calm, cool and collected Grace Polk, but confused.

"What are you talking about Grace? I never wrote anything, never told Luke to do anything I just figured it out on my own. I may seem self –absorbed all the time, but I can be observant too, ya know."

If there was ever a weekend that she wished would just end so she could just go back to school, this was it. Grace was fighting the urge just to kick Joan out of her house, she knew better than to let people in here. Once they get through the door, it's so much harder to get them to go away. Knowing that Joan wasn't going to drop it, no matter what she said. Grace resolved to give her as little information as possible and get her out of the house as fast as possible.

"What gave it away?"

"Well I had my suspicions when I got home and every time Luke was out of the house I could never get you to answer a phone, he'd get back and presto – you'd be there to answer my call. But I guess what clinched it for me was the first week of school; you know how he got after Friedman for giving you a hard time about Lischak; Luke doesn't normally do stuff like that."

"You're not all weirded out by this? 'Cause to tell you the truth I kinda am."

"I thought I would be, but I'm not. It's actually cool in a weird way. I mean he's still my brother, but, outside of the science geek, he's also like this whole other person I never knew existed. It'll be fun, me and Adam, you and Luke, we could like do stuff together."

"Don't go getting any ideas like this is all going to work out into some twisted incestuous Disney movie, Girardi. Me and atom boy are not going to happen."

"Grace, it's ok that you like him, and everyone knows that Luke would hand you his heart on a silver platter if you just asked. I mean, you're my best friend, he's my brother, if I don't have issues with it, why would anyone else?"

What it must be like to be Joan. Grace often pondered just how much easier life would be if she could oversimplify everything the way Joan does. It's chess, cheerleading the debate team, I'm going to try it. I like Adam, I don't like Adam, I love Adam. Everything always seemed to workout for the best though. But that was Joan and she was Grace; and Grace knew this had to stop before it got out of hand.

"I have issue with it OK? It wasn't supposed to end up like this. I mean what teenage guy is going to turn down make-out sessions with no strings attached? No, stupid gifts to buy, no prearranged locker meetings, no long, drawn out phone calls, what guy wouldn't want that? You know who? Your 'I don't follow trends' brother! With his whacked out pre-historic code of honor. He wants to get all relationshipy and talk about love and feelings when he should have just left well enough alone. I mean what is with you people, you want to talk about my feelings, he wants to talk about my feelings, what does your mother feed you in the morning?"

"Usually she tries to make us eggs or pancakes. Ooh – on Sunday's she'll put chocolate chips in the batter."

Grace was not finding this amusing at all. Joan smiled at her own joke, after getting no response from her friend. "Maybe he's not that serious. I mean it is Luke and he takes everything seriously, but maybe you just didn't read him right, what did he actually say to you? Did he say that he loves you? What did you tell him?"

"I'm not doing this with you Girardi. He never _said_ anything. OK? Can we drop it now?"

"Nope. Sorry Grace, I'm on a mission. If he never said anything, what's got you all hot and bothered?"

"You're really not going to let this go are you?"

Joan smiled and shook her head "Nope"

"I knew I should have never should have let you in here. OK, we are friends right?"

"Sure Grace, the best"

"Just because I'm humoring you by doing this in no way means we are going to start having giggle fests on the phone, or kiss each other hello and hug each other good bye or any other of that girly crap, got it."

"Sure Grace, promise." Joan crossed her heart in mock sincerity.

Grace pulled a well worn sheet of paper from the back pocket of her jeans and handed it over to Joan. She stared out her fingernails and picked at her cuticles while Joan read Luke's letter.

"Wow"

"I know"

"Are you sure my brother wrote this? I mean this is amazing. You have to go talk to him."

"No, I don't _have_ to do anything. And I am never talking to him again. He's violated like every clause in our agreement."

"You love him." It was a statement, not a question but Grace answered anyway.

"No ... not at all."

Joan raised one eyebrow at her

"Maybe."

Joan waited.

"Probably, yeah. But that doesn't mean that it's going to happen. In spite of this tragic little episode of show and tell, there are a lot of things that you don't know about my life and all I can say is that the geek is better off without the distraction so he and I are not going to happen. So can we please move on? "

Joan could tell that Grace was getting angry, but that was alright, because Joan was getting angry too.

"You just get to arbitrarily decide that my brother is better off with out even consulting him with all the facts. That's avoidance Grace, that's not like you. If he loves you, he has the right to make his own decisions about what he's better off with. If you love him, and I think you do, then you have an obligation to follow this through to the end. It's not fair to either of you if you don't"

Grace took up a defensive stance, throwing her arms across her chest. Praying Joan would just let this drop before she lost their friendship too.

"No one ever said life was fair."

"Damn it Grace! Don't you ever get tired of being alone? Of living life in the shadows, connecting only when it's necessary to get by? Don't you want more out of life than that? I want more for your life than that! You got Luke to sign a contract so that you could protect yourself from what ever it is that you're so scared to face. A CONTRACT, Grace that is so not normal. That is so sad. What's worse is that he cares about you so much he was willing to sign the damn thing. You need to talk to him. He'll help you through what ever it is that you're dealing with. If you don't do this Grace, you are going to regret it everyday for the rest of your life. We love you Grace, we have faith in you, why can't you have a little faith in us?"

Joan wiped the tears off her cheeks. She was sure Grace was going to hit her. Just knock her out cold right here on the kitchen floor. Then she'd probably just drag her body out to the front lawn, Joan would be waking up with the morning sprinklers she knew it.

To her surprise, Grace didn't throw punches, didn't yell, she was drying her own eyes with the cuff of her sweatshirt and writing something on piece of scratch paper.

"Wait here" was all she said and left Joan alone in the kitchen. Peering down on the counter Joan read:

_Went to Girardi's to work on Physics_

_Don't know how late I'll be. Don't wait_

_up. I've got my phone._

_-G_

Grace returned with her lab notes and AP Physics book in hand. She grabbed Joan by the sleeve and pulled her out of the house.

"Come on. If I don't do this tonight I'm gonna loose my nerve and if we don't get out of here while the Rabbi's still gone, I won't get out at all."

---

Joan squinted through the living room windows trying to ascertain where everyone was in the house. Sneaking Grace in was going to require subterfuge and as it was turning out, Joan was a terrible liar.

"OK, Mom, Dad and Kevin are all sitting around the kitchen table. The dining room and living room lights are off, so when I open the door, sneak behind me up the stairs and wait in my room. I'll be up as soon as I can."

Joan unlocked the front door and Grace quietly made her way up the darkened stairway to Joan's room. She shut the door and began to pace. What the hell am I doing here? How could I let her talk me into this? There is absolutely no way this is going to turn out well. I could just climb out her window like I did the other night, I'll be home before she even makes it up stairs.

Grace had one foot ready to go out the window when Joan opened her bedroom door.

"Nope. None of that tonight. Come on, Luke's in his room studying. I'll sneak you up while everyone is still down stairs."

Every hair on Grace's head began to vibrate as they crossed the threshold to the attic stairs. She left sick to her stomach and light headed. There was absolutely no way she'd be able to do this. A quarter of the way up she reached for Joan's arm and whispered to her pleadingly.

"I changed my mind, there is no way I'm going to be able to do this."

Joan tugged at Grace's arm, trying to gently encourage her up. She whispered back.

"Grace, you are like the strongest person I know. You can do this and will do this now come on."

Just as they turned to start climbing again, Luke's voice came from inside his room getting louder as he approached the stairs. Grace made as if to bolt and Joan grabbed her arm to keep her at least in place if not moving forward.

"Joan are you talking to yourself again? I'll cover for you if you want. If Mom and Dad find out, they're going to send you back to that cam...p"

Luke was standing at the top of the steps, looking down at his sister and Grace Polk a third of the way from the top. Joan grabbed Grace's arm and hauled her up the remaining steps, pushing Luke out of the way as they reached the top. She turned toward her brother.

"Mom and Dad don't know she's here so keep it down ok? When you guys are done, get her back down to my room and I'll figure out a way to get her home. Oh and Luke, Don't say I never did anything for you." She patted him lightly on the cheek.

Turning on Grace. Joan simply handed the letter back to her friend and, before making her way back down to her own room; even though she promised she'd never do it, she hugged Grace goodbye.

---

TBC


	3. Breaking Down and Breaking Through

A/N: Thank you again to all those who reviewed. I've been typing as fast as I can, which is really not all that fast. No beta, so all the mistakes are mine.

Although this takes place before BTTG – part of the story was inspired by my favorite 15 seconds of the episode. Virtual chocolate to those who know what I'm referring to after reading.

Unified Field Theory is what consumed the last half of Einstein's life. He died making very little progress on what should have been his culminating achievement. Physicists today are still working toward that goal.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Just had to take them around the block

---

So I speak to you in riddles because  
my words get in my way. I smoke the  
whole thing to my head and feel it  
wash away 'cause I can't take anymore  
or this, I want to come apart.  
or dig myself a little hole inside  
your precious heart

---_Epiphany_ –Staind

---

Chapter 3: Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

Still clutching her physics book to her chest Grace wondered further into the room. Willing her heart to slow. It was hammering so heavily surely he could hear it from across the attic, maybe even see the palpitations if she were to let go of the textbook. Luke had remained thankfully silent and unmoving, uncertain of what to do next. She suspected he'd stand there for hours if she said nothing. She knew he wanted to know why she was here, in all actuality, she didn't understand it either. Joan's little speech had been moving, but it wasn't anything that would normally bring her to tears. Crying was something she hadn't done in a very long time. Luke's letter must have weakened her defenses more than she initially thought.

He had pictures on one wall, images from the Hubble telescope maybe. Beautiful hues and rings set against the blackness of deep space and faint stars. She faced them now, unable to look at him.

"Creation is such a beautiful thing from far way, the color and symmetry look so serine. But if you could see it closer, be in the middle, it's all poison gases and broken pieces of what was once whole spinning in barely contained ciaos."

"I..s ...is that a science metaphor, Grace?"

He was beyond nervous. This was uncharted territory. He had tried in vain all evening to imagine what would happen after she read his letter. The conclusion he reached was rather disturbing. He didn't even know Grace well enough to begin to theorize her reaction. And how could he come up with a counter argument if the only constant in this whole equation was uncertainty? But she was here and that in itself was something he never could have predicted. So the primary objective now would be to keep her calm enough to stay.

She turned slowly taking a deep breath and letting it out as she faced him still across the room. A surprising calm filled her as she looked at him, into those far too intelligent eyes. He didn't realize it but she was sure that power she held over him to make him loose all sense of reason ran both ways: like a current between them. The concern and caring she saw etched on his face was enough to make her want to surrender her reputation and all that went with it and just get lost with him, in him and screw reality.

But vows made to yourself in the middle of the night are engraved on your heart and difficult to break. So she didn't run to him and make him promise to make everything all better, even if he could, which he really couldn't, it wasn't in her to depend on other people. Instead, she ignored his question and asked one of her own.

"Why are you doing this?"

Luke was either unclear of her definition of 'this' or truly did not know how to answer the question. Grace was an enigma and the only rule he'd learned so far was if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Her determined jaw was set for confrontation but he saw a different type of resolve creeping into those arresting gray eyes. Not sure how to read her, Luke simply remained silent hoping to wait her out.

She wasn't going to be persuaded by his silence.

"You know how I am, you knew that before this all started. What do you want from me?"

He had to say something now. It was clear that she needed something from him, something that would convince her to trust him. He wanted to go to her, hold he tight and be able to reassure her, give her hope through osmosis, rather than say something stupid and have it all blow up in his face. He looked at her and knew that she was not ready for contact. If he tried to touch her, she'd bolt. So he was as honest as he could be and prayed that it would be enough.

"I've seen you smile, Grace. I don't think you know how your face lights up when you smile. Your eyes practically dance. It's this amazing transformation that doesn't happen nearly as often as it should. You're carrying these burdens around with you. What ever they are, they're holding back this glow that's inside you struggling to surface. I would never ask you to change who you are. If you don't want to put down all this stuff that's weighing you down, at least let me help with the load. You've shown me that there's more to life than theory and equations. That not everything can be broken down into its basic building blocks for analysis. You opened this door in my heart I never knew was there. I just want you to see the view on the other side."

Her knees weakened at the raspy quality of his voice that intoned so much sincerity and dare she even think it, love. Again she fought to control her tell tale heart and keep it in her chest. He was looking at her through watery yet oddly calm and confident eyes. Eyes that said, this is me asking you, take it or leave it, but don't play any more games.

She sat Indian-style on the floor, her back to the foot of his bed and began playing with a frayed end of the book cover containing the textbook now sitting across her knees. She heard a sigh of relief escape his lips as she settled herself. Apparently he was still afraid she was going to leave. Walk out of his room and out of his life, down some other road without him. If he only knew; that path had been passed quite some time ago. When exactly or where exactly she couldn't be sure, but she knew the option to go back to being by herself had expired. Uncertain as to what she might say, she looked up at him once, now sitting in his desk chair, facing her, then back down at her book. Grace began to talk and Luke began to understand.

---

"I wasn't always like this. I was pretty much a tom-boy, yeah but I wasn't like I am now. My mother and Elizabeth Rove were best friends. Adam and I were best friends; I guess we kinda still are. We were twelve, in seventh grade when Rove's mom died. My mother, she took it really hard. I don't know how much you know about that but that's not my story to tell. Joan knows, I guess that's all that maters with that.

My mother was always social drinker. After Mrs. Rove passed away, my mother found the comfort she couldn't get from my father at the bottom of a bottle. The Rabbi was always getting called away for some congregational emergency or another leaving her alone with her grief and her vodka. As she started to spiral down, the arguments my parents would have late at night would get more and more frequent. He was worried about how her behavior would reflect upon him with his congregation, how she was neglecting me in favor of passing out to forget her loss. He'd yell at her to stop being so selfish and start paying attention to her obligations. I had become an obligation in his eyes and non-existent to her. I started wearing my headphones to bed, just to drown out the screaming. But Friday night would roll around and we'd all get dressed up and go to synagogue and be the perfect little family. The hypocrisy was so thick you could practically taste it.

Adam was constantly moping around, he'd never smile. He used to crack jokes and play pranks on the teachers with me, but after that day in November, it was like he wasn't even aware of his surroundings anymore. The Friday night after winter break started there was this school dance that I talked Rove into going to with me. I made all these flowery arguments about rights of passage and how I wanted to get all dressed and show up all the snotty girls at school. He still wasn't convinced until I told him I just really couldn't stand the idea of another Friday night with my parents at the synagogue. So he finally gave in and said he'd go with me.

I got all dressed up in this pink dress and my first pair of real high heels. My mom had taken me shopping for them that afternoon. She was surprisingly sober and we actually had fun together. I picked out the shoes my self; they were made from this shiny stuff with like a quarter inch heel. I had to beg her to let me have them but she bought them. My dad didn't like the shoes, told me I looked too made up after mom did my hair and my face and then he tried to get me to ditch Adam and come to synagogue with the family.

We had been at the dance about an hour before I lost Rove, I couldn't find him anywhere. I looked all around the gym, but he wasn't there. I snuck out the back door calling for him. I was worried he had left me there. But he was out behind the gym, sitting on the bleachers with Steve Ramsey and these other guys Donny and Danny, you probably don't know them, they still go to school with us, they're still hanging out on the bleachers too as far as I know."

---

Luke was surprised Grace had spoken to him at all. It was like she started talking and had lost herself in the memory. He got up from the desk and made his way over to her. He sat on the bed behind her, with his knees straddling her shoulders and began to gently rub. She tensed at first and he made as if to pull his hands away. But she put one of her hands over his and placed it back on her shoulder. He bravely kissed the top of her head and continued his rubbing as she continued her story.

---

"Steve had stolen a bunch of beer from his dad and they were all sitting around drinking. I climbed right up in Rove's face and took his can away dumping it over the side. I started screaming at him, about how could he do this too me, why would he want to burry his life in this stuff when he was so much better than that. What about his dad, what about his art what about me? He just kinda looked at me and said something about not even really drinking it just playing along.

The other guys, they were our friends at one point. I had even gone to the movies once with Donny on like a real date. But now they were laughing at us. Calling Adam a wimp and me his new mommy. I spun on them so fast that I twisted in my shoes and broke one of the heels. I punched Donny across the left side of his face and I think I may have actually hurt him too. Rove came up to get between us but he was too slow and Steve pushed me down the bleachers. My dress caught on one of the edges and ripped down across the top.

Adam picked me up and put his leather jacket around my shoulders to hide what the dress no longer could. The warmth of the leather comforted me, made me feel safe. It was miles too big for me but I didn't care. I hugged it tighter to me and tried to roll up the sleeves.

The rest of the guys followed Adam, looking for a fight I guess. When Donny started in on him I got between them. They were both at least six inches taller than me, but I had gotten Adam into this mess by convincing him to go to the stupid dance. I didn't think Donny would do anything to me, I mean we used to hang out just a few months before and I'm a girl. I guess that didn't matter to him though cause he did hit me, so hard I saw stars. I tried to hit him back but Rove's jacket was so big on me I couldn't really swing and my hands were all up in the sleeves. Adam pulled us apart and dragged me away.

We walked home together. The sidewalk was cold against my stocking feet. I was carrying my broken shoes playing with the heel that was hanging on by just a few threads. My face hurt like hell. I had split my lip on the bleachers and Donny had given me a black eye. Rove got me all the way to my door. I was going to have him come in with me, but I could hear my parents arguing through the front door. So we stood on the stoop instead."

Flashback:

'_I'm sorry I made you come tonight. I didn't know it was going to turn out like this'_

_Adam only shrugs his shoulders. _

'_People really suck, ya know.'_

'_Unchallenged.'_

'_I hate being a girl, if I was a guy, Donny would've been bleeding. I am never going to another dance again. From now on, it's just gonna be you and me. Screw everyone else.'_

' _I think you make a good girl. Besides, you look good in pink. I think it's your color'_

_Grace moves to take off the jacket but Adam stopped her._

'_Keep it. It looks good on you. You can wear it to the next dance you go to.'_

End Flashback

"My parents went nuts when they saw my face. My mother's crying and going on and on about what her friends are going to think when they see my broken up face. The Rabbi starts lecturing me about how if I had gone with them, like I was suppose to, none of this would have happened. Like it was my fault some guys did this too me. Like I deserved what happened. So instead of hugging me and telling me everything would be ok, he grounded me for the entire vacation and told me to go clean up.

The next morning I started packing up all the girly clothes and stuff from my room. I'm waist deep in clothes and hair ties and my dad comes in to get me to go to my bat mitzvah class. I tell him no, that I didn't care about what his congregation thought or what he thought or anything else. If his God had punished me last night for not going with them by allowing a bunch of bullies to beat me up, then I didn't want to be a part of that and I wasn't going to go through the bat mitzvah training. And if he cared more about what everyone else thought than about how his own family was falling apart then I didn't need him to worry about me either.

When school started back up, we took one of those standardized tests. Turned out I scored high enough to warrant some kind of attention. Now my parents could brag about what a smart daughter they had. I made up my mind then that my only purpose was going to be hitting the books and making good grades so I could get through school and into a college somewhere far away from hypocrisy of my parents' house.

And that's how things went for a long time. Rove and me. He helped me through Shakespeare and I helped him through trig. We weren't really close but we were all we had. Then your sister shows up and Adam seems to kinda come out of this fog he's been living in for the past three years.

When she asked Ramsey to the Semi-Formal last year I wanted to warn her what a bad idea that would be. But I didn't know how to do that her without telling her the whole story.

---

Grace turned around and got up on her knees, resting her hands on Luke's knees. She could feel the heat radiating through his jeans and the muscles in his thighs jump under her fingers. She hadn't known she was going to tell him her life story but with his hands on her shoulders and his breath on her neck, she just let go. This was going to be the hardest part though. She had always felt partly responsible for what had happened that night.

Luke brought his hands up from her shoulders and brushed the hair stuck to her tear strewn cheeks off her face and behind her ears. He didn't think she even knew she had been crying, tears just kept falling in giant drops off her lashes and on to her cheeks and lips. He slid down off the bed and pulled her onto his lap as he settled his back in the spot she just vacated. He made a move to wipe the tears from her face, but she buried her head in the crook of his neck. Warm tears fell onto his neck, branding a trail across his shoulder blades. He circled his long arms around her, cradled and gently rocked her.

She let out an exhausted sigh, her breath hot against his neck and ear. Had she not been crying Luke would have turned his head and kissed her with everything he had. But she was crying and she needed to finish

---

"I paid Friedman five dollars to make that dress comment to me while we were trying to figure out what to do for the science fair. I wanted to get you and me to that dance without actually having to come out and ask you. I knew you would never ask me; it was kind of endearing how nervous you were around me all the time. I needed to be there to lookout for Joan, but I wanted to be there with you. Not just because you're her brother and if something went wrong you'd be there but also because you're you. Adam said he would have gone with me. He was worried about her too, but that would have just created a bigger mess out of their soap opera of a relationship.

That night was a sort of exorcism for me. It was the first dance I had gone to since that night in seventh grade. I started to feel like maybe it was ok to let go a little, have friends, steal kisses and be happy. Then Joan went off with Ramsey and everything went crazy. And I remembered why I never let anyone get too close, because bad things always happen and people always disappoint. Except this time I was the one who failed, I should have stopped Joan from taking that freak to the dance and I didn't.

---

Luke waited and rocked her. Grace was openly crying now, fully aware that her emotions had betrayed her and she was being the needy little girl she always promised herself she'd never be. She hated the tears. They were bitter with age, like a wine that had turned sour. She scolded herself mentally for allowing herself to be put in this situation. For letting her heart win out over her head. Her mind knew that nothing good ever came out of hope and love, her parents were proof of that. The Rabbi who was now so scared of pissing her off, he'd let her get away with anything. And her mother so far gone into her own addiction that nothing else even registered on her radar. Luke needed to get as far away from her while he still could. She was like this emotionally twisted big bang, poison and broken.

She looked up at him looking down at her. She wanted to melt into him and never leave this room. With in the confines of these four walls, she could be who she was suppose to be and he could keep her safe from everyone else and nothing else would matter. She placed a hand on the side of his head, and he leaned into her touch. Her fingers were gently stoking along his hairline, down along the back of his ear. He deserved someone whole, someone who knew how to love the way he did; unabashedly and unashamed. Her tone was low and full of sorrow, barely louder than a whisper.

"You know what we have in common? You and I both have one goal, to get through the next few years and get out of this place. You have this brilliant, beautiful mind. One that sees and understands things in ways nobody else can, that's what first drew me to you. You see underneath the surface, you understand what is at the core. To weigh you down with all my damage, wouldn't be fair. You are going to accomplish all these wonderfully import breakthroughs like finding a cure for cancer or deriving the final formula for Unified Field Theory. You have this talent for knowing things, and seeing things and you shouldn't waste that on me."

Luke waited for her to continue but she didn't say anything more. He was stunned, and speechless. His heart was going to explode in his chest. He wanted to protect her; he wanted to make her whole again, God how he wanted to love her. And he did, he knew that now. No lingering questions he would fight her until time stood still but she would be everything she had once dreamed she could be.

He tilted her head up so he could look her in the eye. With shaking hands he brushed the wet hair off her face and tentatively kissed her eyes and checks. The salt from her tears was bitter on his lips when they met hers. He kissed her gently at first and when she wouldn't open to him initially, he slid his hand behind head and softly grasped her hair pulling her closer. As she yielded to him he felt the tension melt from her and he deepened the kiss. It was a passion infused dance of the mind and heart as old as time itself. He felt it in his soul and knew she did too. He could feel her trembling and clutching at his neck and shoulders. He held her tighter and stopped the kiss only when his lungs were screaming for air.

When he spoke his voice was almost guttural from being silent so long.

"Maybe this is the big breakthrough I was destined for. I'd give up Unified Field Theory in a heartbeat if I knew I could have all of you."

She felt the dam inside her break. Her heart swelled so overwhelmingly that it gave her physical pain. She didn't have an answer to that. She was too tired to even think of what to say next, what to do now. She only knew that she had been kidding herself if she thought she could go through life without ever being kissed like that again. He had started rocking again. And her eyes drew hot and heavy in their sockets. It felt as if she had rubbed warm sand across her lips and cheeks.

"If you let me down, Girardi, I'm taking you with me."

"I'm not going to let you down, Grace."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I love you."

He rocked her because he didn't know what else to say or what else to do. Soon he realized she had fallen asleep in his arms. He stood, making the smallest movements possible and placed her gently in his bed. He stroked her cheek and kissed her temple. He was half way across the room when she faintly to called to him. He wasn't even sure if she called out loud or he just heard her in his head. She spoke softly and sleepily.

"Hey Luke, what's going to happen? You know, tomorrow?"

Standing in the doorframe, he just shook his head. It was on the tip of his tongue to make some wise crack about finally being on a first name basis, but he decided now wasn't really the time.  
  
"Don't worry about that now. Get some rest and we'll figure it out together."

He padded down the stairs as quietly as he could as to not wake her.

Joan had been pacing around her room for what felt like ever. A soft rap on her door pulled her off the track she had been wearing in the carpet.

"Thank goodness! What the heck took you .. You're not Grace. Where's Grace?"

She pulled Luke into her room and quietly shut the door. The rest of the house had long gone to sleep and she didn't want to disturb her parents.

"She's upstairs sleeping in my room. She's emotionally exhausted; I didn't have the heart to wake her. I figure we can just tell mom and dad she came over last night after having a fight with her dad. I was in here doing Physics with you when she showed up so I volunteered my room and took the couch. If there's a problem in the morning, don't worry about it Joan, I'll take the blame."

"Is she going to be OK?"

Luke smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I think she'll be more than OK. Goodnight."

He turned to go and made it to the door before his sister spoke again.

"What about you? You going to be alright?"

He leaned against the doorframe and shrugged. "I just hope I can be everything she needs me to be."

"You love her? I mean really love her?"

"Yeah."

"In spite of whatever she told you tonight?"

"Because of everything she told me tonight."

Joan smiled at her brother.

"Some one told me not so long ago, to just be who you are. Who you are is enough."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Go get some sleep."

---

Fin.


End file.
